Back-to-school gets all the attention. But sometimes, it’s the weeks after school starts that reveal just how much we’re carrying. The weeks when everyone else has settled into their routine, and Mom is still holding the whole thing together.

By now, the backpacks have a designated spot. The morning routine is starting to feel somewhat normal. Everybody knows what time they need to leave the house, and we’ve, for the most part, figured out which days require sneakers, library books, homework, crazy socks for spirit week, or whatever else our children suddenly need to remember.

*I must take a pause and note how impressed I am with how my son has adjusted to the morning routine this year. He is up and walking to the bus stop, and the requests to drive him to school have drastically reduced.* Okay, back to the topic…

But while everyone else is settling in, we’re still keeping track. There’s the school calendar and the family calendar. The email about picture day and yearbook pre-orders. The permission slip for auditions and field trips that need to be signed. The after-school activity that changed times this week. The project that’s due Friday but requires supplies by Wednesday. The doctor’s appointment you need to schedule, the groceries you need to order, and the laundry you need to fold and move from the couch before it becomes a statement piece of the living room. And somewhere in there, we’re also supposed to remember our own lives. THIS is the part of back-to-school season we don’t talk about enough.

And apparently, I’m not the only mom feeling it. Recent coverage of the back-to-school mental load has put numbers behind something many mothers already know from lived experiences: we’re often carrying much more of the planning, remembering and anticipating that keeps a household moving.

The timing feels especially fitting because September 21-25 is National Working Motherhood Week, a week dedicated to conversations about the realities of balancing work, motherhood, identity and everything that happens in between. I don’t think there’s a better time to talk about the part of “balance” that doesn’t always make it onto the calendar or the dozens of small things we’re keeping track of in our heads. And maybe recognizing that load is the first step toward deciding how much of it we actually need to keep carrying.

The Routine Is Working. But Is It Working for Mom?

There’s a strange point in the school year when everything can look like it’s running smoothly from the outside while one person is doing an incredible amount of work behind the scenes to keep it that way. That’s the mental load. It’s not just doing the things; it’s remembering that the things need to be done. It’s anticipating what’s coming next, noticing what everyone needs, planning around competing schedules, and keeping a running list in your head that nobody else can see. And September has a way of exposing. Mind you, this can persist even in a multi-generational household with two moms.

The first few weeks are useful that way. They’re almost like a trial run for the rest of the school year. By now, we know which mornings and evenings are chaotic (in-office vs. remote days). We know which commitments looked manageable on the calendar but don’t feel quite so manageable the day of (Cub Scouts). We know which systems are actually helping and which ones are creating more work. So perhaps September doesn’t need to be about finally getting everything under control. Maybe it can be about paying attention to what this new season is telling us.

My September Reset

This is where I’m trying something different. Instead of asking, “How can I get better at managing all of this?” I’m asking myself, “Why am I managing all of this in the first place? I don’t want to assume the solution to my overload is being more organized. I want to figure out what actually needs my attention and what I can finally take off of my plate. I want to create systems that don’t always require me to be in the system.

So I’ve started paying attention to the things I routinely keep track of and asking myself a simple question: Does this actually need to live in my brain? For example, I was the person reminding the kids when it was time to take a bath and when it was time to go to bed. These aren’t difficult tasks, but they require me to keep watching the clock while doing everything else that needs to happen in the evening. And there is always something else. I could be doing laundry, washing dishes, dealing with something around the house, or completely engrossed in an episode of How the Universe Works explaining how galaxies are formed, how black holes grow larger, or the ideas behind quantum mechanics. Being the nerd/geek that I am, this can easily turn into an “I looked up, and it was 9:30 p.m., no baths were taken, and no one is in bed” situation. Either way, I don’t necessarily want part of my brain dedicated to watching the clock so I can announce bath time. So I gave the job to Alexa. The reminders still happen. I can still make sure the kids are actually following through, but I don’t have to be the one constantly remembering when to initiate them.

I’ve also started thinking about how our home itself can make independence. My son has a tendency to forget a couple of very specific things in the morning: deoderant and lotion. Instead of giving him the same reminders every day, I made a short morning list of the things he tends to forget and set up his closet as his own dressing room. Everything he needs is there, including a mirror so that, as he stated verbatim, he can “see how good he looks.” Fair enough. LOL.

It’s a small change, but that is the point. He doesn’t need me standing outisde the bathroom calling out every step of getting ready. He doesn’t need me smelling his armpits (arckckk) before he heads out of the door. He needs an environment that makes it easier for him to manage the routine himself.

I’m starting to apply the same thinking to school. At this age, there are things our children can begin owning themselves: putting the backpack where it belongs, keeping track of a water bottle, checking that homework made it back into the bag, or remembering what needs to go to school the next morning. I can create the system and teach the routine without remaining permanently responsible for executing it.

And then there are things that really do belong to me but don’t necessarily belong in my head. School dates, appointments, activities, deadlines, grocery needs, and all those random reminders that pop into my brain at inconvenient times need somewhere else to live. A calendar, a shared list, a phone reminder, a smart-home routine-anything that allows me to capture the information instead of repeatedly remembering it. Because, at this age, and with this ADHD strand, remembering is work, too!

The Goal Isn’t to Become More Efficient at Carrying Everything

I think that’s the distiction I’m learning to make. There are plenty of systems designed to help moms become more organized. Better calendars. Better routines. Better meal plans. Better storage. Better schedules. And I LOVE a good system. But a system shouldn’t simply make me more efficient at doing everything myself. Sometimes the better system is the one that removes me from the process.

• Alexa can announce bath and bedtime.
• The boys can check their own morning lists.
• The kids can become responsible for belongnings they’re old enough to manage.
• The calendar can remember the date instead of me rehearsing it in my head for three days.

None of these things, individually, will revolutionize our household. But collectively, they give me back little pieces of mental space. And lately, I’ve realized how valuable those little pieces are.

Try a Mental-Load Audit

If the first few weeks of school have left you feeling like you’re managing more than everyone else, don’t start by looking for a better planner. Start by looking at the load. For the next few days, pay attention to the things you’re remembering, reminding, checking, planning and following up on. Especially the little things that make your right eye twitch in frustration. Those are easy to dismiss because each one only takes a minite or two, but they’re also the things that keep our brains running in the background all day.

Then ask yourself:

What am I remembering that something else could remember for me?

Timers, recurring reminders, calendars, automatic payments, shared lsits and smart-home reoutines can take over some of the remembering. Technology can run as much of your household as you are comfortable with, and I’m perfectly happy letting it remember bath time and trash days.

What am I doing for my children that they’re ready to start doing for themselves?

This will look different depending on their ages, but independence doesn’t happen all at once. It grows through small responsibilities. Maybe it’s checking a morning list, packing a backpack, filling a water bottle or remembering what needs to come home from school.

What am I managing simply because I’ve always managed it?

This might be the MOST IMPORTANT question. Some responsibilities belong to us because we’ve consciously chosen them. Other become ours somewhere along the way and just…stayed there. Those are worth reconsidering.

The goal isn’t to remove ourselves from our families or stop doing the things that matter. It’s to leave ourselves enough room to actually enjoy the lives we’re working so hard to hold together.

Some things can go on a list. Some can go to Alexa. Some can belong to the kids. And some things? Maybe we can just put them down.